The Chaser’s Media Circus – Season 2 Episode 1


THEME MUSIC PLAYS This Program is Captioned This Program is Captioned
Live by CSI Australia Live by CSI Australia THEME MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello Hello and Hello and welcome Hello and welcome to ‘Media Hello and welcome to ‘Media
Circus’ – Circus’ – the game show Circus’ – the game show about Circus’ – the game show about
the the news the news game. the news game. And the news game. And joining us the news game. And joining us
tonight, tonight, the tonight, the Mama tonight, the Mama of tonight, the Mama of Mamamia, tonight, the Mama of Mamamia,
Mia Mia Freedman. Mia Freedman. From ‘The Mia Freedman. From ‘The
Checkout’ Checkout’ and Checkout’ and author Checkout’ and author of ‘Almost Checkout’ and author of ‘Almost
Sincerely’, Zoe Norton Sincerely’, Zoe Norton Sincerely’, Zoe Norton
Lodge. And Lodge. And thought Lodge. And thought leader, Lodge. And thought leader,
distinguished bald distinguished bald man distinguished bald man and distinguished bald man and
author author of author of this author of this intro, Julian author of this intro, Julian
Morrow. Morrow. And they Morrow. And they are Morrow. And they are up Morrow. And they are up against Morrow. And they are up against
Andrew Hansen. Andrew Hansen. Julian Andrew Hansen. Julian Morrow’s Andrew Hansen. Julian Morrow’s
evil evil twin, Peter Berner. evil twin, Peter Berner. And evil twin, Peter Berner. And
2GB 2GB arvo’s 2GB arvo’s host, Ben 2GB arvo’s host, Ben Fordham 2GB arvo’s host, Ben Fordham – 2GB arvo’s host, Ben Fordham –
who who won who won a Walkley who won a Walkley Award who won a Walkley Award earlier who won a Walkley Award earlier
in in his career in his career and in his career and then in his career and then went on in his career and then went on
to do this. to do this. (Laughter) to do this. (Laughter) And to do this. (Laughter) And I’m to do this. (Laughter) And I’m
still still dirty still dirty we still dirty we didn’t still dirty we didn’t get still dirty we didn’t get
nominated nominated ford nominated ford for nominated ford for that. A nominated ford for that. A
Walkley? Of Walkley? Of course. Joining Walkley? Of course. Joining us Walkley? Of course. Joining us
our our fact our fact checker, of our fact checker, of course, our fact checker, of course,
Chas Chas Licciardello. Hello, Chas Licciardello. Hello, I’m Chas Licciardello. Hello, I’m
in in fine in fine Factchecking in fine Factchecking form, in fine Factchecking form,
Craig. I Craig. I have Craig. I have even Craig. I have even just Craig. I have even just fact Craig. I have even just fact
checked checked the Immigration checked the Immigration
Minister, Peter Dutton. Minister, Peter Dutton. I’m Minister, Peter Dutton. I’m a Minister, Peter Dutton. I’m a
pretty cool character. pretty cool character. pretty cool character.
False. Thank False. Thank you, False. Thank you, Chas. False. Thank you, Chas. This False. Thank you, Chas. This
week you week you are Team week you are Team Australia week you are Team Australia as week you are Team Australia as
always, always, and always, and Ben, always, and Ben, Peter always, and Ben, Peter and always, and Ben, Peter and
Andrew, we Andrew, we have Andrew, we have named Andrew, we have named you Andrew, we have named you after Andrew, we have named you after
Nick Kyrgios Nick Kyrgios because Nick Kyrgios because everyone Nick Kyrgios because everyone
in Team in Team Australia in Team Australia seems in Team Australia seems to in Team Australia seems to be in Team Australia seems to be
against against him. against him. Poor Nick against him. Poor Nick Kyrgios, against him. Poor Nick Kyrgios,
he just he just got he just got dropped he just got dropped by he just got dropped by the he just got dropped by the
Davis Davis Cup Davis Cup team Davis Cup team which Davis Cup team which means Davis Cup team which means now Davis Cup team which means now
we we are we are going to we are going to have we are going to have to we are going to have to rely we are going to have to rely on we are going to have to rely on
Ashley Ashley Madison Ashley Madison leaks Ashley Madison leaks to Ashley Madison leaks to find Ashley Madison leaks to find
out who out who is out who is sleeping out who is sleeping with out who is sleeping with who. out who is sleeping with who.
All All right, All right, let’s All right, let’s get All right, let’s get on All right, let’s get on with All right, let’s get on with
the news game. the news game. (Applause). the news game. (Applause). We the news game. (Applause). We
have stitched together have stitched together three have stitched together three
stories stories from stories from the stories from the week’s stories from the week’s news. stories from the week’s news.
Team Team Australia, Team Australia, see Team Australia, see if Team Australia, see if you can Team Australia, see if you can
tell tell me tell me what tell me what the tell me what the stories tell me what the stories are. tell me what the stories are.
Here Here you Here you go. She’s out Here you go. She’s out lasted Here you go. She’s out lasted
12 12 US 12 US Presidents 12 US Presidents and 12 US Presidents and 13 12 US Presidents and 13 British 12 US Presidents and 13 British
prime prime ministers prime ministers and prime ministers and this prime ministers and this week, prime ministers and this week,
Queen Queen Elizabeth… Spent Queen Elizabeth… Spent her Queen Elizabeth… Spent her
first first night first night in jail first night in jail for first night in jail for
refusing refusing to refusing to issue refusing to issue marriage refusing to issue marriage
licences licences to… Johnny licences to… Johnny Depp’s licences to… Johnny Depp’s
dogs. dogs. (Laughter). dogs. (Laughter). All dogs. (Laughter). All right, dogs. (Laughter). All right,
Team Team Australia, Team Australia, what Team Australia, what do Team Australia, what do you Team Australia, what do you
think think the think the storys think the storys were think the storys were
there? Okay, the there? Okay, the first there? Okay, the first story there? Okay, the first story is there? Okay, the first story is
about the about the Queen being about the Queen being the about the Queen being the
longest longest serving longest serving monarch. That longest serving monarch. That
is is right. is right. 63 is right. 63 years, is right. 63 years, 63 is right. 63 years, 63 years. is right. 63 years, 63 years.
What What else What else is What else is interesting What else is interesting about What else is interesting about
the the Queen’s the Queen’s career? the Queen’s career?
Nothing. That is correct. Nothing. That is correct. Nothing. That is correct.
Factcheck. Factcheck. She’s Factcheck. She’s done Factcheck. She’s done heaps, Factcheck. She’s done heaps,
that’s that’s why that’s why there that’s why there are that’s why there are so that’s why there are so many that’s why there are so many
really really interesting really interesting news really interesting news stories really interesting news stories
about about her. And the about her. And the Queen about her. And the Queen
photographed photographed from photographed from four photographed from four
different different sides different sides – different sides – but different sides – but here’s different sides – but here’s a different sides – but here’s a
question, question, which question, which side question, which side is question, which side is her question, which side is her
best angle? best angle? What best angle? What are best angle? What are the best angle? What are the other best angle? What are the other
stories stories there? The stories there? The second stories there? The second one stories there? The second one
is is the is the clerk is the clerk in is the clerk in Kentucky is the clerk in Kentucky who is the clerk in Kentucky who
refused refused to refused to issue a refused to issue a marriage refused to issue a marriage
licence licence to licence to a licence to a same-sex licence to a same-sex couple licence to a same-sex couple
and and had and had to and had to go and had to go to and had to go to jail. and had to go to jail. And and had to go to jail. And the and had to go to jail. And the
third third story third story is Johnny third story is Johnny Depp, third story is Johnny Depp, his third story is Johnny Depp, his
fiancee fiancee was fiancee was meant fiancee was meant to fiancee was meant to appear fiancee was meant to appear in fiancee was meant to appear in
court court about court about the court about the illegal court about the illegal
immigration immigration importation immigration importation of immigration importation of
their their dogs Pistol and their dogs Pistol and Boo their dogs Pistol and Boo and their dogs Pistol and Boo and I their dogs Pistol and Boo and I
hate myself hate myself for hate myself for knowing hate myself for knowing the hate myself for knowing the
names names of Johnny names of Johnny Depp’s names of Johnny Depp’s dogs. I names of Johnny Depp’s dogs. I
hate hate you hate you as hate you as well. And hate you as well. And he hate you as well. And he said hate you as well. And he said
yes, yes, we yes, we killed yes, we killed them yes, we killed them and yes, we killed them and ate yes, we killed them and ate
them. Let’s them. Let’s see the first them. Let’s see the first
story. story. This story. This week, Queen story. This week, Queen
Elizabeth becomes Elizabeth becomes the Elizabeth becomes the longest Elizabeth becomes the longest
serving serving British serving British monarch. That’s serving British monarch. That’s
right. The right. The Queen right. The Queen spent over right. The Queen spent over 63 right. The Queen spent over 63
years years on years on the throne years on the throne or years on the throne or as years on the throne or as she years on the throne or as she
calls calls it keeping calls it keeping Prince calls it keeping Prince Charles calls it keeping Prince Charles
out of a job. out of a job. In out of a job. In celebration, out of a job. In celebration, a out of a job. In celebration, a
limited edition limited edition of 20 limited edition of 20 pound limited edition of 20 pound
coin, coin, like the coin, like the Queen, coin, like the Queen, complete coin, like the Queen, complete
unnecessary, unnecessary, but unnecessary, but nice unnecessary, but nice to unnecessary, but nice to bring unnecessary, but nice to bring
out out on out on special out on special occasions. Look out on special occasions. Look
at at that at that headline, at that headline, I’m at that headline, I’m really at that headline, I’m really
impressed impressed you’re impressed you’re getting all impressed you’re getting all
your your news your news from your news from the your news from the BBC your news from the BBC
children’s channel. children’s channel. (Laughter). children’s channel. (Laughter).
We We are We are in We are in for We are in for a We are in for a really We are in for a really
analytical analytical program. This analytical program. This is analytical program. This is
informative, informative, this informative, this show. informative, this show. Yes, of informative, this show. Yes, of
course course the course the last course the last story course the last story this course the last story this week course the last story this week
Johnny Johnny Depp Johnny Depp called Barnaby Johnny Depp called Barnaby
Joyce Joyce some Joyce some sweaty Joyce some sweaty big Joyce some sweaty big gutted Joyce some sweaty big gutted
man man from man from Australia, man from Australia, a man from Australia, a few man from Australia, a few days man from Australia, a few days
before before the before the case before the case of Johnny before the case of Johnny
Depp’s dogs Depp’s dogs went Depp’s dogs went back Depp’s dogs went back to Depp’s dogs went back to court. Depp’s dogs went back to court.
The The case The case was The case was adjourned The case was adjourned leaving The case was adjourned leaving
another another chapter another chapter in another chapter in the another chapter in the ongoing another chapter in the ongoing
feud feud between feud between the feud between the sexiest feud between the sexiest man feud between the sexiest man in feud between the sexiest man in
the the world the world and Johnny Depp. the world and Johnny Depp. Of the world and Johnny Depp. Of
course, course, in course, in the course, in the middle, course, in the middle, you course, in the middle, you were course, in the middle, you were
right right again, right again, Mia, right again, Mia, a right again, Mia, a Kentucky right again, Mia, a Kentucky
clerk clerk was clerk was jailed clerk was jailed for clerk was jailed for refusing clerk was jailed for refusing
to to issue to issue marriage to issue marriage licences to issue marriage licences to to issue marriage licences to
same-sex same-sex couples. same-sex couples. Well same-sex couples. Well done, same-sex couples. Well done,
she she was she was released, she was released, though, she was released, though,
yesterday yesterday and yesterday and said yesterday and said that yesterday and said that
same-sex same-sex marriage same-sex marriage is same-sex marriage is against same-sex marriage is against
God’s God’s will. God’s will. Now, God’s will. Now, I God’s will. Now, I don’t God’s will. Now, I don’t know, God’s will. Now, I don’t know,
but but we but we haven’t found but we haven’t found any but we haven’t found any proof but we haven’t found any proof
that that God that God is that God is annoyed that God is annoyed at that God is annoyed at Kentucky that God is annoyed at Kentucky
for for thee for thee laws. A for thee laws. A bolt for thee laws. A bolt of for thee laws. A bolt of
lightning lightning set lightning set off lightning set off a lightning set off a forest lightning set off a forest fire lightning set off a forest fire
in in a in a US in a US after in a US after it in a US after it hit in a US after it hit a Jim in a US after it hit a Jim Beam in a US after it hit a Jim Beam
factory sending factory sending thousands factory sending thousands of factory sending thousands of
litres litres of litres of Bourbon litres of Bourbon into litres of Bourbon into a litres of Bourbon into a lake. litres of Bourbon into a lake.
Moments Moments later the Moments later the spirit Moments later the spirit was Moments later the spirit was
sucked sucked into sucked into the sucked into the air sucked into the air by sucked into the air by a sucked into the air by a small sucked into the air by a small
tornado. Seriously tornado. Seriously – tornado. Seriously – flaming tornado. Seriously – flaming
Bourbon Bourbon tornadoes! Bourbon tornadoes! Get Bourbon tornadoes! Get her Bourbon tornadoes! Get her out Bourbon tornadoes! Get her out
of of jail! That of jail! That is of jail! That is very Old of jail! That is very Old
Testament. Flaming Testament. Flaming Bourbon Testament. Flaming Bourbon
tornado tornado is tornado is now tornado is now my tornado is now my favourite tornado is now my favourite
drink. Factcheck, drink. Factcheck, I drink. Factcheck, I really drink. Factcheck, I really
don’t like don’t like the don’t like the flippancy don’t like the flippancy of don’t like the flippancy of the don’t like the flippancy of the
panel panel about panel about this panel about this story. panel about this story. The panel about this story. The
Kentucky Kentucky situation Kentucky situation is Kentucky situation is very Kentucky situation is very
serious. serious. If serious. If anyone serious. If anyone understands serious. If anyone understands
about about offences about offences against about offences against God, about offences against God,
it’s Kentucky. it’s Kentucky. They They are They are experts. Is They are experts. Is that They are experts. Is that
chicken? It’s chicken? It’s not chicken? It’s not chicken, chicken? It’s not chicken, it’s chicken? It’s not chicken, it’s
KFC. KFC. Well KFC. Well done KFC. Well done there, KFC. Well done there, you KFC. Well done there, you got KFC. Well done there, you got
three three out three out of three out of three, three out of three,
congratulations Team congratulations Team congratulations Team
Australia. (Applause). Australia. (Applause). Now Australia. (Applause). Now the Australia. (Applause). Now the
Team Team Kyrgios, Team Kyrgios, here’s Team Kyrgios, here’s your Team Kyrgios, here’s your new Team Kyrgios, here’s your new
stitch-up, see stitch-up, see if stitch-up, see if you stitch-up, see if you can stitch-up, see if you can
identify identify the identify the three identify the three
stories. British stories. British comedy stories. British comedy icon stories. British comedy icon Mr stories. British comedy icon Mr
Been… Marks Been… Marks his Been… Marks his second Been… Marks his second
anniversary anniversary as Prime anniversary as Prime Minister anniversary as Prime Minister
today… With today… With a today… With a huge pillow today… With a huge pillow
fight. fight. Okay, Team fight. Okay, Team Kyrgios, what fight. Okay, Team Kyrgios, what
are are the are the stories? Didn’t Rowan are the stories? Didn’t Rowan
Atkinson Atkinson turn Atkinson turn up Atkinson turn up at Buckingham Atkinson turn up at Buckingham
Palace Palace driving Palace driving his Palace driving his mini Palace driving his mini to Palace driving his mini to
celebrate celebrate 30 celebrate 30 years celebrate 30 years since celebrate 30 years since Mr celebrate 30 years since Mr
Been? Been? Number Been? Number two Been? Number two is Been? Number two is our Prime Been? Number two is our Prime
Minister Minister having Minister having two Minister having two years Minister having two years in Minister having two years in
Government, Government, I’m Government, I’m pretty Government, I’m pretty
sure. He’s sure. He’s been sure. He’s been in sure. He’s been in Government sure. He’s been in Government
for for two for two years. for two years. The The for two years. The The pillow for two years. The The pillow
fight, I fight, I have got fight, I have got no fight, I have got no
idea. Something idea. Something in idea. Something in Kentucky? idea. Something in Kentucky?
The The Government The Government have The Government have decided The Government have decided to The Government have decided to
resolve resolve the resolve the same-sex resolve the same-sex marriage resolve the same-sex marriage
debate debate with debate with a debate with a massive debate with a massive pillow debate with a massive pillow
fight Instead fight Instead of fight Instead of a fight Instead of a
plebiscite? Misheard plebiscite? Misheard plebiscite? Misheard
plebiscite, it plebiscite, it was plebiscite, it was a plebiscite, it was a border plebiscite, it was a border
force force miss force miss communication, force miss communication, oh, force miss communication, oh,
pillow pillow fight, pillow fight, oh…. The pillow fight, oh…. The first pillow fight, oh…. The first
story story there, story there, this story there, this week Rowan story there, this week Rowan
Atkinson Atkinson celebrated Atkinson celebrated 25 Atkinson celebrated 25 years Atkinson celebrated 25 years of Atkinson celebrated 25 years of
being being Mr being Mr Been, being Mr Been, or being Mr Been, or as being Mr Been, or as he being Mr Been, or as he calls being Mr Been, or as he calls
it, it, keeping it, keeping Prince it, keeping Prince Charles it, keeping Prince Charles out it, keeping Prince Charles out
of a job. of a job. The of a job. The last of a job. The last story, of a job. The last story, it’s of a job. The last story, it’s
from from a from a US from a US military from a US military Academy from a US military Academy
where where 24 where 24 cadets where 24 cadets were where 24 cadets were left where 24 cadets were left with where 24 cadets were left with
concussion concussion s concussion s after concussion s after they concussion s after they filled concussion s after they filled
their their pillow cases their pillow cases with helmets their pillow cases with helmets
they they were they were meant they were meant to they were meant to be they were meant to be wearing they were meant to be wearing
for for the for the pillow for the pillow fight. for the pillow fight. It’s for the pillow fight. It’s
tradition, they tradition, they have tradition, they have done tradition, they have done this tradition, they have done this
for for years for years and for years and years, for years and years, this for years and years, this big for years and years, this big
pillow fight pillow fight they pillow fight they do pillow fight they do and pillow fight they do and one pillow fight they do and one
year year they year they are year they are like, year they are like, what year they are like, what if year they are like, what if we year they are like, what if we
put put the put the helmets put the helmets in put the helmets in the put the helmets in the pillows. put the helmets in the pillows.
The The middle The middle story The middle story was The middle story was this The middle story was this week The middle story was this week
the Abbott Prime the Abbott Prime Minister the Abbott Prime Minister ship the Abbott Prime Minister ship
is is two is two years is two years old. is two years old. Like is two years old. Like all is two years old. Like all
2-year-olds 2-year-olds who 2-year-olds who make a 2-year-olds who make a bit 2-year-olds who make a bit of 2-year-olds who make a bit of a 2-year-olds who make a bit of a
mess, mess, you mess, you try mess, you try and mess, you try and replace mess, you try and replace them mess, you try and replace them
with Malcolm with Malcolm Turnbull. with Malcolm Turnbull. You with Malcolm Turnbull. You guys with Malcolm Turnbull. You guys
got got two got two out got two out of got two out of three got two out of three right, got two out of three right,
congratulations. (Applause). congratulations. (Applause). congratulations. (Applause).
Mia, Mia, your Mia, your website Mia, your website Mamamia Mia, your website Mamamia
listed listed Abbott’s listed Abbott’s achievements listed Abbott’s achievements as listed Abbott’s achievements as
Minister Minister for Minister for women Minister for women and Minister for women and publish Minister for women and publish
ed ed a ed a large, ed a large, blank ed a large, blank space ed a large, blank space
there. (Laughter). The there. (Laughter). The annoying there. (Laughter). The annoying
thing thing is thing is the thing is the person thing is the person was thing is the person was getting thing is the person was getting
paid per word. paid per word. Did paid per word. Did Abbott paid per word. Did Abbott
actually actually engage actually engage with actually engage with you actually engage with you guys actually engage with you guys
much? much? No. much? No. He much? No. He did much? No. He did before much? No. He did before he much? No. He did before he
became Prime became Prime Minister, became Prime Minister, he became Prime Minister, he went became Prime Minister, he went
on on a on a very on a very proactive on a very proactive charm on a very proactive charm
offensive offensive with a offensive with a lot offensive with a lot of offensive with a lot of
journalists journalists and journalists and particularly journalists and particularly
female female journalists female journalists who had female journalists who had been female journalists who had been
critical critical of critical of him, critical of him, myself critical of him, myself
included, and included, and were included, and were critical included, and were critical
when he when he was when he was elected Opposition when he was elected Opposition
Leader. Leader. And Leader. And then Leader. And then there were Leader. And then there were all Leader. And then there were all
sorts sorts – sorts – he sorts – he used sorts – he used to sorts – he used to write sorts – he used to write for sorts – he used to write for
Mamamia, used Mamamia, used to Mamamia, used to try Mamamia, used to try to Mamamia, used to try to engage Mamamia, used to try to engage
with with women with women and with women and deal with women and deal with with women and deal with his with women and deal with his
woman woman problem woman problem as woman problem as his woman problem as his people woman problem as his people
referred to referred to it referred to it as. referred to it as. The referred to it as. The minute referred to it as. The minute
he he became Prime he became Prime Minister he became Prime Minister he he became Prime Minister he
wouldn’t wouldn’t engage wouldn’t engage with wouldn’t engage with a wouldn’t engage with a woman’s wouldn’t engage with a woman’s
website, why website, why would website, why would you website, why would you when website, why would you when you website, why would you when you
have Ray have Ray Hadley, Alan have Ray Hadley, Alan Jones have Ray Hadley, Alan Jones and have Ray Hadley, Alan Jones and
Kyle Kyle and Jackie Kyle and Jackie oh Kyle and Jackie oh to Kyle and Jackie oh to talk Kyle and Jackie oh to talk
to. You to. You did to. You did have to. You did have a to. You did have a cheeky to. You did have a cheeky
coffee coffee with coffee with him coffee with him once? That coffee with him once? That was coffee with him once? That was
before he before he was before he was elected. You before he was elected. You
found found him found him charming. It’s found him charming. It’s hard found him charming. It’s hard
not not to. I find not to. I find it not to. I find it quite not to. I find it quite
easy. Is it? easy. Is it? No, he’s easy. Is it? No, he’s very easy. Is it? No, he’s very
personable. Just throw personable. Just throw some personable. Just throw some
gossip in gossip in there. My gossip in there. My mum gossip in there. My mum
afterwards afterwards said afterwards said darling afterwards said darling how afterwards said darling how was afterwards said darling how was
it, it, I it, I said much it it, I said much it was it, I said much it was a it, I said much it was a bloody it, I said much it was a bloody
disaster, disaster, I disaster, I really disaster, I really liked disaster, I really liked him. I disaster, I really liked him. I
still still don’t still don’t get still don’t get why still don’t get why he still don’t get why he made still don’t get why he made
himself himself Minister himself Minister for himself Minister for women. himself Minister for women. It himself Minister for women. It
seems a seems a strange seems a strange call. It’s seems a strange call. It’s a seems a strange call. It’s a
man’s man’s job, man’s job, come man’s job, come on. It man’s job, come on. It would man’s job, come on. It would
have have been have been a have been a lot have been a lot cheaper have been a lot cheaper to have been a lot cheaper to
employ a employ a woman employ a woman to employ a woman to do employ a woman to do it, employ a woman to do it,
though, though, you though, you don’t though, you don’t have to though, you don’t have to pay though, you don’t have to pay
them as much. them as much. It’s them as much. It’s been them as much. It’s been a them as much. It’s been a tough them as much. It’s been a tough
two two years, two years, although two years, although the last two years, although the last
week week with week with Syria week with Syria has week with Syria has actually week with Syria has actually
probably probably turned probably turned things around probably turned things around
for for him. for him. Do for him. Do you for him. Do you think for him. Do you think he’s for him. Do you think he’s
going going to going to do going to do better going to do better now going to do better now he’s going to do better now he’s
talking talking about talking about boat talking about boat people talking about boat people and talking about boat people and
refugees refugees and refugees and Syrians refugees and Syrians coming refugees and Syrians coming to refugees and Syrians coming to
Australia? I Australia? I think Australia? I think national Australia? I think national
security security always security always works security always works for security always works for
anyone, anyone, doesn’t anyone, doesn’t matter anyone, doesn’t matter what anyone, doesn’t matter what
side of side of politics you side of politics you are side of politics you are from, side of politics you are from,
if there if there is if there is something if there is something going if there is something going on if there is something going on
in in the in the world, in the world, it in the world, it seems in the world, it seems to in the world, it seems to go in the world, it seems to go
well well but well but people well but people seem well but people seem to well but people seem to have well but people seem to have
stopped stopped listening stopped listening to them stopped listening to them big stopped listening to them big
time, time, anything time, anything to time, anything to do time, anything to do with time, anything to do with the time, anything to do with the
economy, economy, including economy, including the economy, including the
Treasurer, Treasurer, Mr Treasurer, Mr Hockey, Treasurer, Mr Hockey, people Treasurer, Mr Hockey, people
have have switched have switched off, have switched off, largely, have switched off, largely, to have switched off, largely, to
what’s what’s going what’s going on. It what’s going on. It has what’s going on. It has been what’s going on. It has been a what’s going on. It has been a
hard hard two hard two years for Tony hard two years for Tony Abbott hard two years for Tony Abbott
and and his and his Government. and his Government. Although and his Government. Although
there’s been there’s been some there’s been some very there’s been some very strong there’s been some very strong
things things going things going in things going in his things going in his favour, for things going in his favour, for
instance, Bill instance, Bill Shorten instance, Bill Shorten is instance, Bill Shorten is the instance, Bill Shorten is the
Opposition Opposition leader. Opposition leader. Here Opposition leader. Here he Opposition leader. Here he is Opposition leader. Here he is
with with one with one of with one of his with one of his inspirational with one of his inspirational
speeches speeches and speeches and I speeches and I will speeches and I will give speeches and I will give you speeches and I will give you an speeches and I will give you an
extra extra point extra point if extra point if you extra point if you can extra point if you can explain extra point if you can explain
to to me to me what to me what the to me what the hell to me what the hell he is to me what the hell he is
talking about. talking about. This talking about. This nation talking about. This nation is talking about. This nation is
standing standing at standing at the standing at the edge standing at the edge of standing at the edge of a standing at the edge of a door standing at the edge of a door
which which is slightly ajar. which is slightly ajar.
(Laughter). And (Laughter). And if (Laughter). And if we (Laughter). And if we are (Laughter). And if we are
strong strong enough strong enough to strong enough to seize strong enough to seize the strong enough to seize the
opportunity opportunity of opportunity of the opportunity of the moment, opportunity of the moment, then opportunity of the moment, then
we will we will have a bright future. we will have a bright future.
(Laughter). (Laughter). That’s (Laughter). That’s
fantastic. What fantastic. What happened to fantastic. What happened to
the the door? I the door? I don’t the door? I don’t get the door? I don’t get that. I the door? I don’t get that. I
think think we think we walked think we walked through think we walked through the think we walked through the
door. We door. We are door. We are standing at door. We are standing at the door. We are standing at the
edge edge of edge of the edge of the door. edge of the door. The edge of the door. The door edge of the door. The door is edge of the door. The door is
there. Is it us? there. Is it us? Who there. Is it us? Who opened there. Is it us? Who opened
the the door the door to the door to begin the door to begin with? the door to begin with? Who the door to begin with? Who
left left it left it ajar? Why left it ajar? Why wasn’t left it ajar? Why wasn’t the left it ajar? Why wasn’t the
door door closed? door closed? That’s a security door closed? That’s a security
breach. breach. Half breach. Half ajar, this breach. Half ajar, this is breach. Half ajar, this is
outrageous. Soft outrageous. Soft on outrageous. Soft on border outrageous. Soft on border
protection. Sending protection. Sending us protection. Sending us all into protection. Sending us all into
a a panic, a panic, I’m a panic, I’m afraid a panic, I’m afraid because a panic, I’m afraid because of a panic, I’m afraid because of
that that man. You that man. You should that man. You should be that man. You should be
afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid afraid. I’m afraid he’ll afraid. I’m afraid he’ll do afraid. I’m afraid he’ll do
another another speech. another speech. So at another speech. So at the another speech. So at the end another speech. So at the end
of of that of that round, of that round, which of that round, which happened, of that round, which happened,
Team Team Australia Team Australia won, Team Australia won,
congratulations. (Applause). What’s congratulations. (Applause). What’s congratulations. (Applause). What’s
their their prize? their prize? Some their prize? Some of their prize? Some of
Australia’s Australia’s finest Australia’s finest news Australia’s finest news
analysis analysis from Andrew analysis from Andrew Bolt analysis from Andrew Bolt
6789 Booga 6789 Booga booga, yamma 6789 Booga booga, yamma yamma, 6789 Booga booga, yamma yamma,
crank, crank, crank, crank, crank, Google crank, crank, Google Google, crank, crank, Google Google,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, China China blah, blah, blah, China China
China China China, China China, Chinese China China, Chinese are China China, Chinese are going China China, Chinese are going
to come to come and to come and get to come and get your to come and get your job. I’m a to come and get your job. I’m a
Scatman! Scatman! (Applause). Lesson. Lesson. 91. Lesson. 91. Never Lesson. 91. Never cross Lesson. 91. Never cross live Lesson. 91. Never cross live
to to an unpredictable child. to an unpredictable child.
Channel Channel 7, Channel 7, you Channel 7, you try. What’s Channel 7, you try. What’s
your your view on your view on this? your view on this? Well, your view on this? Well, it your view on this? Well, it
actually makes sense. actually makes sense. Good, actually makes sense. Good, you actually makes sense. Good, you
crossed crossed to crossed to a sensible adult. crossed to a sensible adult.
Now, Now, channel Now, channel 10? Adam Now, channel 10? Adam Todd Now, channel 10? Adam Todd is Now, channel 10? Adam Todd is
in in Canberra in Canberra this in Canberra this evening. Well, in Canberra this evening. Well,
so far the Government… so far the Government… so far the Government…
Excellent! Excellent! This Excellent! This class Excellent! This class is Excellent! This class is going Excellent! This class is going
unusually well. unusually well. Channel unusually well. Channel 9. unusually well. Channel 9. Show unusually well. Channel 9. Show
me your me your child-free cross. me your child-free cross. And me your child-free cross. And
Danielle Danielle Wick Danielle Wick and Danielle Wick and her Danielle Wick and her husband, Danielle Wick and her husband,
Jamie, Jamie, and Jamie, and their Jamie, and their children Jamie, and their children join Jamie, and their children join
us us from the Sunshine Coast. us from the Sunshine Coast.
Yeah, Yeah, we Yeah, we only Yeah, we only use Yeah, we only use natural Yeah, we only use natural and Yeah, we only use natural and
organic organic products… organic products… on both… (Laughter). We only both… (Laughter). We only
use, use, yeah, use, yeah, natural use, yeah, natural and use, yeah, natural and organic use, yeah, natural and organic
products products on products on our products on our skin products on our skin as well, products on our skin as well,
so… so… I I specifically I specifically told I specifically told you I specifically told you not I specifically told you not
to to cross to cross to – to cross to – oh, to cross to – oh, get to cross to – oh, get out of my to cross to – oh, get out of my
sight. sight. (Applause). Yes, Yes, if Yes, if you Yes, if you are Yes, if you are board of Yes, if you are board of the Yes, if you are board of the
news this news this is news this is the news this is the game news this is the game for news this is the game for you, news this is the game for you,
the the questions the questions in the questions in this the questions in this round the questions in this round are the questions in this round are
behind behind these behind these pictures, behind these pictures, everyone behind these pictures, everyone
can can answer can answer by buzzing can answer by buzzing in. can answer by buzzing in. Okay, can answer by buzzing in. Okay,
firstly, Team firstly, Team Australia, firstly, Team Australia, you firstly, Team Australia, you
can can get can get a can get a start. can get a start. Pick can get a start. Pick a can get a start. Pick a picture can get a start. Pick a picture
from from the from the board. Okay, from the board. Okay, I from the board. Okay, I reckon from the board. Okay, I reckon
– – I – I just want – I just want to – I just want to stare – I just want to stare into – I just want to stare into
those those dreamy those dreamy eyes those dreamy eyes in those dreamy eyes in the those dreamy eyes in the top those dreamy eyes in the top
right right there, Karl right there, Karl
Stefanovic. Karl, okay. Stefanovic. Karl, okay. This Stefanovic. Karl, okay. This
week we week we are week we are going week we are going to week we are going to expand week we are going to expand our week we are going to expand our
bombing bombing against bombing against ISIS bombing against ISIS in bombing against ISIS in Syria. bombing against ISIS in Syria.
Luckily Luckily Karl Karl Luckily Karl Karl Stefanovic Luckily Karl Karl Stefanovic
does does have does have a does have a plan does have a plan for does have a plan for this. does have a plan for this.
We’ll We’ll play We’ll play the We’ll play the first part We’ll play the first part of We’ll play the first part of
his his plan his plan and his plan and you his plan and you have his plan and you have to his plan and you have to finish his plan and you have to finish
it, it, okay. it, okay. Anyone it, okay. Anyone can it, okay. Anyone can buzz it, okay. Anyone can buzz in, it, okay. Anyone can buzz in,
here here you here you go. ISIS here you go. ISIS have here you go. ISIS have made here you go. ISIS have made
their their bed their bed and their bed and we their bed and we now their bed and we now have their bed and we now have
to… ISIS to… ISIS have to… ISIS have made to… ISIS have made their to… ISIS have made their bed to… ISIS have made their bed
and and now and now we and now we have and now we have to… Unmake and now we have to… Unmake it and now we have to… Unmake it
and and make and make it and make it properly. I’m and make it properly. I’m
sensing sensing you sensing you are sensing you are a sensing you are a strict sensing you are a strict
dad. When dad. When it dad. When it comes dad. When it comes to ISIS I dad. When it comes to ISIS I
am. am. (Laughter). am. (Laughter). This am. (Laughter). This was am. (Laughter). This was Karl’s am. (Laughter). This was Karl’s
plan. Ise plan. Ise have plan. Ise have made plan. Ise have made their plan. Ise have made their bed plan. Ise have made their bed
and and we and we now and we now have and we now have to and we now have to take and we now have to take the and we now have to take the
sheets off sheets off that sheets off that bed sheets off that bed and sheets off that bed and try sheets off that bed and try and sheets off that bed and try and
expose expose them. Exactly. expose them. Exactly. Take expose them. Exactly. Take it expose them. Exactly. Take it
off off and off and expose off and expose them. Expose off and expose them. Expose the off and expose them. Expose the
stainy stainy mattress stainy mattress underneath. And stainy mattress underneath. And
their their embarrassing their embarrassing pyjamas, their embarrassing pyjamas,
that that will that will get that will get them. No that will get them. No surprise that will get them. No surprise
Karl Karl has Karl has a Karl has a well Karl has a well thought out Karl has a well thought out
plan plan for plan for Syria. plan for Syria. He plan for Syria. He is plan for Syria. He is an plan for Syria. He is an expert plan for Syria. He is an expert
as surprise air strikes. as surprise air strikes. as surprise air strikes.
Welcome Welcome back Welcome back to the Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the show. We Welcome back to the show. We
want want to want to give want to give a want to give a very want to give a very special want to give a very special pat want to give a very special pat
on on the on the back on the back to on the back to our on the back to our very on the back to our very own on the back to our very own
Sylvia. Sylvia. (Laughter). Sylvia. (Laughter). Wow. Sylvia. (Laughter). Wow. Let’s Sylvia. (Laughter). Wow. Let’s
move move on, Team move on, Team Kyrgios, move on, Team Kyrgios, what’s move on, Team Kyrgios, what’s
your your pick your pick of of your pick of of the your pick of of the board? Why your pick of of the board? Why
are are there are there two are there two pictures are there two pictures of Bill are there two pictures of Bill
Shorten there? Shorten there? I Shorten there? I think there Shorten there? I think there
are four. are four. Okay. are four. Okay. I are four. Okay. I fancy are four. Okay. I fancy the are four. Okay. I fancy the
look of look of the look of the mystery look of the mystery man. Let’s look of the mystery man. Let’s
have have a look at that. have a look at that. All have a look at that. All
right, right, that’s right, that’s our right, that’s our social right, that’s our social media right, that’s our social media
mystery mystery person mystery person for mystery person for the mystery person for the week. mystery person for the week.
These These are These are real These are real Tweets, These are real Tweets, buzz These are real Tweets, buzz in These are real Tweets, buzz in
if if you can if you can guess if you can guess who if you can guess who our if you can guess who our
mystery mystery Tweeter mystery Tweeter is. Is mystery Tweeter is. Is this mystery Tweeter is. Is this a mystery Tweeter is. Is this a
generic generic silhouette generic silhouette or generic silhouette or can generic silhouette or can we generic silhouette or can we
draw draw anything draw anything from draw anything from that? the draw anything from that? the
person person does person does have person does have a person does have a tattoo person does have a tattoo of person does have a tattoo of a person does have a tattoo of a
question question mark question mark on their question mark on their
face. It’s the face. It’s the Riddler. Let’s face. It’s the Riddler. Let’s
have have a have a look at the Tweet. have a look at the Tweet.
Confucius. (Laughter). Confucius. (Laughter). I Confucius. (Laughter). I was Confucius. (Laughter). I was
about about to about to say about to say Kanye, about to say Kanye, but… Same about to say Kanye, but… Same
thing. thing. Let’s thing. Let’s go thing. Let’s go to the next thing. Let’s go to the next
one. one. Somebody Somebody who Somebody who hasn’t Somebody who hasn’t seen Somebody who hasn’t seen we Somebody who hasn’t seen we
bought bought a bought a zoo. LOVES bought a zoo. LOVES the bought a zoo. LOVES the
film… Peter Berner. film… Peter Berner. Never film… Peter Berner. Never
been been favoured at 34 times. been favoured at 34 times. I been favoured at 34 times. I
never never have. Let’s keep going never have. Let’s keep going
then. then. Is then. Is it then. Is it Po? no. Rupert then. Is it Po? no. Rupert
Murdoch? Rupert Murdoch? Rupert Murdoch, Murdoch? Rupert Murdoch, well Murdoch? Rupert Murdoch, well
done, congratulations. done, congratulations. done, congratulations.
(Applause). What (Applause). What was (Applause). What was it (Applause). What was it about (Applause). What was it about
the the Tweet the Tweet Po the Tweet Po that the Tweet Po that gave the Tweet Po that gave it the Tweet Po that gave it away? the Tweet Po that gave it away?
Sometimes, Sometimes, Rupert, Sometimes, Rupert, because Sometimes, Rupert, because he Sometimes, Rupert, because he
does does his does his own does his own Tweeting does his own Tweeting and does his own Tweeting and
sometimes sometimes he sometimes he just sometimes he just gets a sometimes he just gets a little sometimes he just gets a little
bit… What, bit… What, has bit… What, has a bit… What, has a stroke bit… What, has a stroke mid bit… What, has a stroke mid
Tweet? We have Tweet? We have all Tweet? We have all done Tweet? We have all done it. If Tweet? We have all done it. If
only only he only he could only he could find only he could find somebody only he could find somebody to only he could find somebody to
help help him help him with help him with his publishing. help him with his publishing.
All All right, All right, let’s All right, let’s go All right, let’s go back All right, let’s go back to All right, let’s go back to
the the news the news board. Team the news board. Team Australia, the news board. Team Australia,
what’s what’s your what’s your pick? I what’s your pick? I reckon what’s your pick? I reckon
China. Beijing China. Beijing used China. Beijing used an China. Beijing used an
anniversary anniversary today anniversary today to anniversary today to
demonstrate demonstrate its demonstrate its might demonstrate its might and demonstrate its might and
colossal power colossal power on colossal power on a colossal power on a spectacular colossal power on a spectacular
scale. The scale. The Chinese scale. The Chinese President Xi scale. The Chinese President Xi
Jinping Jinping jumped Jinping jumped into Jinping jumped into his Jinping jumped into his limbo Jinping jumped into his limbo
this this week this week to this week to view this week to view the this week to view the troops this week to view the troops
and and what and what was he saying here? and what was he saying here?
(Speaks (Speaks in Chinese). (Speaks in Chinese). The leg (Speaks in Chinese). The leg
room in these suck? room in these suck? room in these suck?
(Laughter). Does (Laughter). Does anybody (Laughter). Does anybody know (Laughter). Does anybody know
how how to how to lower how to lower my driver’s seat? how to lower my driver’s seat?
Look at Look at me, I’m the Pope. Look at me, I’m the Pope. ‘I Look at me, I’m the Pope. ‘I
Bought a Jeep’! Bought a Jeep’! (Laughter). Bought a Jeep’! (Laughter). I Bought a Jeep’! (Laughter). I
don’t don’t know don’t know if this don’t know if this works, don’t know if this works, what don’t know if this works, what
did did the did the Flinstones did the Flinstones used did the Flinstones used to did the Flinstones used to look did the Flinstones used to look
like? like? like? Could like? Could he like? Could he have like? Could he have been like? Could he have been
saying, saying, “Wilma”? let’s saying, “Wilma”? let’s see saying, “Wilma”? let’s see the saying, “Wilma”? let’s see the
actual actual answer. President actual answer. President
yelling yelling to yelling to soldiers, yelling to soldiers, “Fellow yelling to soldiers, “Fellow
comrades, comrades, hard comrades, hard working comrades, hard working
comrades”. comrades”. It’s comrades”. It’s like comrades”. It’s like the comrades”. It’s like the worst comrades”. It’s like the worst
Mardi Mardi Gras Mardi Gras that’s Mardi Gras that’s ever Mardi Gras that’s ever
happened. If happened. If you happened. If you look happened. If you look closely, happened. If you look closely,
the the President the President is the President is actually the President is actually the the President is actually the
Google Maps Google Maps car Google Maps car for Google Maps car for China. Google Maps car for China. Have Google Maps car for China. Have
a a look a look at a look at this. a look at this. He’s a look at this. He’s just a look at this. He’s just
memorising memorising all of memorising all of the memorising all of the streets. memorising all of the streets.
At At the At the end of At the end of that At the end of that round At the end of that round the At the end of that round the
winner winner was Team winner was Team Australia, winner was Team Australia,
congratulations. (Applause). congratulations. (Applause). We congratulations. (Applause). We
have have another have another reward have another reward for have another reward for you, have another reward for you,
Chas, Chas, what is Chas, what is it? Chas, what is it? Their Chas, what is it? Their reward Chas, what is it? Their reward
is some is some rock is some rock solid is some rock solid evidence is some rock solid evidence of is some rock solid evidence of
why why Americans needless guns. why Americans needless guns.
Residents Residents have Residents have been Residents have been told Residents have been told to Residents have been told to
keep keep their keep their pets keep their pets inside. keep their pets inside. This keep their pets inside. This
dog was dog was shot dog was shot after dog was shot after someone dog was shot after someone
apparently apparently mistook apparently mistook it apparently mistook it for a apparently mistook it for a
lion. lion. News, I’m home. News, I’m home. Hay, news? News, I’m home. Hay, news?
What’s What’s with What’s with all What’s with all the What’s with all the mess? Have What’s with all the mess? Have
you you ever you ever wondered you ever wondered what you ever wondered what life’s you ever wondered what life’s
like like from like from annel like from annel elephant’s like from annel elephant’s
point of point of view? point of view? No, point of view? No, no, point of view? No, no, I point of view? No, no, I
haven’t haven’t wondered haven’t wondered that. Well, haven’t wondered that. Well,
have you have you ever have you ever wondered have you ever wondered if have you ever wondered if
Russian Russian President Vladimir Russian President Vladimir
Putin Putin could fly? Putin could fly? No, Putin could fly? No, but Putin could fly? No, but I Putin could fly? No, but I
have have wondered have wondered whose have wondered whose eaten have wondered whose eaten all have wondered whose eaten all
my my chips my chips again. If my chips again. If you my chips again. If you could my chips again. If you could
enter enter the enter the worlds enter the worlds on enter the worlds on your enter the worlds on your screen enter the worlds on your screen
and and create your and create your own and create your own adventure, and create your own adventure,
imagine imagine that. News, imagine that. News, are imagine that. News, are you imagine that. News, are you
stoned? Have you stoned? Have you ever stoned? Have you ever wondered stoned? Have you ever wondered
what what it what it sounds what it sounds like what it sounds like when what it sounds like when
someone someone sneezes someone sneezes into someone sneezes into a someone sneezes into a
trombone. I’m trombone. I’m taking this trombone. I’m taking this until trombone. I’m taking this until
you you sort you sort yourself you sort yourself out. It’s you sort yourself out. It’s
medicinal medicinal marijuana. Sure it medicinal marijuana. Sure it
is. Look is. Look at is. Look at that cat! is. Look at that cat!
(Applause). (Applause). Yesterday Yesterday the Prime Yesterday the Prime Minister Yesterday the Prime Minister
announced we announced we would announced we would spend announced we would spend $44 announced we would spend $44
million million to million to help million to help 240,000 million to help 240,000 Syrian million to help 240,000 Syrian
refugees. refugees. But last refugees. But last week, refugees. But last week, we refugees. But last week, we
learnt Operation learnt Operation Cambodia learnt Operation Cambodia the learnt Operation Cambodia the
Government’s Government’s deal Government’s deal to Government’s deal to resettle Government’s deal to resettle
refugees refugees from refugees from Nauru refugees from Nauru to refugees from Nauru to
Cambodia, has Cambodia, has cost Cambodia, has cost 55 Cambodia, has cost 55 million Cambodia, has cost 55 million
dollars dollars so dollars so far, dollars so far, even dollars so far, even though dollars so far, even though
only only four only four refugee only four refugee s only four refugee s have only four refugee s have
actually actually been actually been resettled. actually been resettled. That’s actually been resettled. That’s
over over $13 over $13 million over $13 million per over $13 million per refugee, over $13 million per refugee,
which which is which is pretty which is pretty steep. which is pretty steep. Let’s which is pretty steep. Let’s
find out find out if find out if it’s find out if it’s over find out if it’s over the find out if it’s over the top find out if it’s over the top
as as we play Price Hike. as we play Price Hike.
(Applause). Mia and (Applause). Mia and Ben, (Applause). Mia and Ben, all (Applause). Mia and Ben, all
of of the of the items of the items listed of the items listed here of the items listed here are of the items listed here are
things that things that the Department of things that the Department of
Immigration Immigration has Immigration has spent Immigration has spent money Immigration has spent money on Immigration has spent money on
according according to according to the according to the Government’s according to the Government’s
official official tendering official tendering website. official tendering website.
Your aim Your aim is to pick Your aim is to pick as Your aim is to pick as many Your aim is to pick as many as Your aim is to pick as many as
you you can you can without you can without going you can without going over you can without going over $13 you can without going over $13
million, million, okay. (Laughter). Your million, okay. (Laughter). Your
mount mount near mount near is Immigration mount near is Immigration
Minister Peter Minister Peter Dutton, Minister Peter Dutton, who Minister Peter Dutton, who was Minister Peter Dutton, who was
sent sent to sent to Switzerland sent to Switzerland this sent to Switzerland this week. sent to Switzerland this week.
Look Look at Look at him, that’s Look at him, that’s a Look at him, that’s a photo Look at him, that’s a photo
from from there. from there. Okay, from there. Okay, Mia, from there. Okay, Mia, you’re from there. Okay, Mia, you’re
first first up. first up. What first up. What would first up. What would you first up. What would you like first up. What would you like
to to pick? Escort services. to pick? Escort services.
Escort Escort services! Escort services! Well, Escort services! Well, the Escort services! Well, the
Government’s Government’s website Government’s website shows Government’s website shows
escort escort services escort services from escort services from the escort services from the
Federal Police Federal Police aren’t Federal Police aren’t cheap, Federal Police aren’t cheap,
must must be must be very must be very high-class must be very high-class
discreet discreet servicing. discreet servicing. Let’s discreet servicing. Let’s see discreet servicing. Let’s see
how much it cost. how much it cost. (Yodelling music). (Yodelling music). Okay, (Yodelling music). Okay, you (Yodelling music). Okay, you
think think you think you ruined think you ruined the think you ruined the game. think you ruined the game.
Let’s Let’s start Let’s start again. Let’s start again. Put Let’s start again. Put Mia Let’s start again. Put Mia back Let’s start again. Put Mia back
down down the down the bottom, down the bottom, please. Can down the bottom, please. Can I down the bottom, please. Can I
just just ask, just ask, has Craig just ask, has Craig Thomson just ask, has Craig Thomson
joined joined the Federal joined the Federal Police? joined the Federal Police?
That must That must be That must be the That must be the full That must be the full
girlfriend experience. girlfriend experience. girlfriend experience.
(Laughter). It (Laughter). It is (Laughter). It is very (Laughter). It is very hard (Laughter). It is very hard to (Laughter). It is very hard to
have have an have an escort have an escort experience have an escort experience when have an escort experience when
somebody’s somebody’s going somebody’s going
yodel… Depends yodel… Depends depends yodel… Depends depends what yodel… Depends depends what
you’re you’re into. Ben, you’re into. Ben, what you’re into. Ben, what do you’re into. Ben, what do you you’re into. Ben, what do you
want want to want to choose? We don’t want to choose? We don’t want want to choose? We don’t want
to to go to go over to go over the to go over the edge. to go over the edge. I to go over the edge. I think to go over the edge. I think
dog dog related dog related expenses. I dog related expenses. I feel dog related expenses. I feel
it’s it’s an it’s an unfair it’s an unfair game it’s an unfair game because it’s an unfair game because
plush dogs plush dogs are plush dogs are dog plush dogs are dog related plush dogs are dog related
expenses. It’s expenses. It’s like expenses. It’s like turning expenses. It’s like turning
Australia Australia into Australia into carnie Australia into carnie folk, Australia into carnie folk,
welcome welcome to welcome to Australia, welcome to Australia, anything welcome to Australia, anything
off off the off the bottom off the bottom shelf. All off the bottom shelf. All
right, right, let’s right, let’s see how right, let’s see how much right, let’s see how much they right, let’s see how much they
spent spent on spent on dog-related expenses. spent on dog-related expenses.
2.5 2.5 million. A 2.5 million. A bargain. Mia, 2.5 million. A bargain. Mia,
what what do what do you what do you want what do you want to what do you want to choose? what do you want to choose?
I’ll I’ll take I’ll take the I’ll take the refugee I’ll take the refugee
deterring deterring TV deterring TV drama. Home and deterring TV drama. Home and
Away? Away? (Laughter). Away? (Laughter). (Applause). Away? (Laughter). (Applause).
Let’s Let’s see how much that cost? $4.1 $4.1 million. All $4.1 million. All right. $4.1 million. All right.
Ben. Well, any help Ben. Well, any help from Ben. Well, any help from you Ben. Well, any help from you
boys? boys? No, boys? No, no. I boys? No, no. I think we boys? No, no. I think we are boys? No, no. I think we are
going going to going to go going to go for going to go for the going to go for the medals. going to go for the medals. I’m going to go for the medals. I’m
pretty pretty sure pretty sure medals pretty sure medals are pretty sure medals are pretty pretty sure medals are pretty
cheap. Last cheap. Last month cheap. Last month border cheap. Last month border force cheap. Last month border force
revealed revealed a revealed a big revealed a big order revealed a big order of revealed a big order of medals revealed a big order of medals
for for the for the provision for the provision of for the provision of awards, for the provision of awards,
although although the although the certificates although the certificates of although the certificates of
participation participation for participation for border participation for border force participation for border force
down down in down in Melbourne down in Melbourne haven’t down in Melbourne haven’t been down in Melbourne haven’t been
handed handed out handed out yet. handed out yet. Let’s handed out yet. Let’s see how handed out yet. Let’s see how
much that cost. much that cost. (Applause). Mia. (Applause). Mia. Very (Applause). Mia. Very close (Applause). Mia. Very close
here. It here. It is here. It is close. What here. It is close. What do here. It is close. What do you here. It is close. What do you
want to want to pick? I’m want to pick? I’m going want to pick? I’m going to want to pick? I’m going to go want to pick? I’m going to go
with with the with the internal with the internal
fit-out. Oh… Of fit-out. Oh… Of the fit-out. Oh… Of the Adelaide fit-out. Oh… Of the Adelaide
office. Of office. Of in office. Of in February the office. Of in February the
department department announced department announced a department announced a new department announced a new
internal internal fit-out internal fit-out of internal fit-out of Adelaide’s internal fit-out of Adelaide’s
immigration immigration office. immigration office. I immigration office. I don’t immigration office. I don’t
even even know even know why they even know why they have even know why they have an even know why they have an
office office there, office there, the office there, the problem office there, the problem in office there, the problem in
Adelaide Adelaide is Adelaide is people Adelaide is people are Adelaide is people are leaving, Adelaide is people are leaving,
not not coming not coming there. not coming there. Anyway, not coming there. Anyway, let’s not coming there. Anyway, let’s
see how much that cost. see how much that cost. (Yodelling music) (Yodelling music) Our (Yodelling music) Our winner (Yodelling music) Our winner
is Ben is Ben Fordham, Team is Ben Fordham, Team
Kyrgios. (Applause). Kyrgios. (Applause). Let’s Let’s take Let’s take a Let’s take a look Let’s take a look now Let’s take a look now at Let’s take a look now at one Let’s take a look now at one
of of the of the most of the most contentious of the most contentious
features features of features of online features of online news, features of online news, click features of online news, click
bait. bait. Those bait. Those headlines bait. Those headlines that bait. Those headlines that
tease tease you tease you with tease you with half tease you with half of tease you with half of the tease you with half of the
information, information, so information, so you information, so you can’t information, so you can’t
resist resist clicking resist clicking them resist clicking them and resist clicking them and
finding finding out finding out the finding out the juicy finding out the juicy details. finding out the juicy details.
Here’s Here’s an Here’s an example Here’s an example here, Here’s an example here, watch Here’s an example here, watch
this this guy this guy get this guy get caught this guy get caught watching this guy get caught watching
porn porn in porn in class, porn in class, just porn in class, just watch. porn in class, just watch. Who porn in class, just watch. Who
does does this does this kind does this kind of does this kind of silly does this kind of silly
headline? headline? Mamamia! headline? Mamamia! Busted. We headline? Mamamia! Busted. We
all all clicked all clicked on all clicked on it. We all clicked on it. We all all clicked on it. We all
clicked. How clicked. How low clicked. How low has clicked. How low has the clicked. How low has the world clicked. How low has the world
sunk, sunk, we sunk, we are sunk, we are now sunk, we are now watching sunk, we are now watching
people people watching people watching porn. 2015 people watching porn. 2015 is people watching porn. 2015 is
the year the year that the year that click the year that click bait the year that click bait
died. Really? died. Really? No, died. Really? No, we died. Really? No, we don’t died. Really? No, we don’t
generally… You generally… You won’t generally… You won’t believe generally… You won’t believe
what happens next. what happens next. We what happens next. We made what happens next. We made a what happens next. We made a
very very conscious very conscious move very conscious move away, very conscious move away,
because because you because you want people because you want people to because you want people to be because you want people to be
there there for there for the there for the right there for the right reasons. there for the right reasons.
You You don’t You don’t want You don’t want to You don’t want to trick You don’t want to trick them You don’t want to trick them
into into reading into reading a story into reading a story they into reading a story they don’t into reading a story they don’t
want want to want to receipt. One want to receipt. One news want to receipt. One news site want to receipt. One news site
still still refuses still refuses to still refuses to post still refuses to post click still refuses to post click
bait, bait, the ‘Australian Financial bait, the ‘Australian Financial
Review’. Review’. For Review’. For some Review’. For some reason they Review’. For some reason they
are are sticking are sticking to are sticking to boring are sticking to boring
headlines like this headlines like this (Cat snoring). Well, Well, clearly the Well, clearly the ‘Fin’ Well, clearly the ‘Fin’ needs Well, clearly the ‘Fin’ needs
help so we help so we have help so we have designed help so we have designed a help so we have designed a game help so we have designed a game
called ‘Fin called ‘Fin Review’ click called ‘Fin Review’ click bait, called ‘Fin Review’ click bait,
both both teams both teams will both teams will be both teams will be given both teams will be given an both teams will be given an
actual actual boring actual boring headline actual boring headline from actual boring headline from
this this week’s ‘Financial this week’s ‘Financial Review’ this week’s ‘Financial Review’
and and asked and asked to and asked to rewrite and asked to rewrite it and asked to rewrite it into and asked to rewrite it into
something something for something for enticing something for enticing to something for enticing to
appeal appeal as appeal as click appeal as click bait. appeal as click bait. Pens appeal as click bait. Pens at appeal as click bait. Pens at
the the ready. the ready. Your the ready. Your dreary headline the ready. Your dreary headline
is: is: See See if See if you See if you can See if you can make See if you can make that See if you can make that
into into click into click bait. into click bait. While you into click bait. While you are into click bait. While you are
doing doing that, doing that, Chas, doing that, Chas, can doing that, Chas, can we doing that, Chas, can we have doing that, Chas, can we have
some some thinking some thinking music. Sure, some thinking music. Sure, I some thinking music. Sure, I
have have just have just the have just the thing. (Sings) have just the thing. (Sings)
# # US # US forces # US forces get # US forces get the # US forces get the nod # US forces get the nod
#… Is this #… Is this what #… Is this what happens #… Is this what happens when #… Is this what happens when
you you cross you cross live to you cross live to the you cross live to the sunrise you cross live to the sunrise
set at night? set at night? this set at night? this is set at night? this is them set at night? this is them
doing it now. doing it now. Hurry doing it now. Hurry up doing it now. Hurry up guys, doing it now. Hurry up guys,
we we are watching this. we are watching this. Okay, we are watching this. Okay,
that’s more that’s more than that’s more than enough that’s more than enough of that’s more than enough of
Kochi, Kochi, the ‘Financial Review’ Kochi, the ‘Financial Review’
said… said… Team Team Australia, Team Australia, what Team Australia, what did Team Australia, what did you Team Australia, what did you
say We say We went say We went with… Which say We went with… Which
billionaire billionaire just billionaire just spent billionaire just spent $34 billionaire just spent $34
million million on million on milk. Team million on milk. Team
Kyrgios? We went Kyrgios? We went with Kyrgios? We went with discount Kyrgios? We went with discount
king king spends king spends millions king spends millions on king spends millions on milky king spends millions on milky
teats. teats. (Laughter). I literally teats. (Laughter). I literally
died. died. (Applause). Team Kyrgios, (Applause). Team Kyrgios, I (Applause). Team Kyrgios, I
think think are think are the think are the champions, well think are the champions, well
done. done. (Applause). Have done. (Applause). Have you done. (Applause). Have you got done. (Applause). Have you got
a a prize for a prize for them? a prize for them? I a prize for them? I do, a prize for them? I do,
actually, to actually, to prove actually, to prove that actually, to prove that
financial financial news financial news isn’t financial news isn’t always financial news isn’t always
dull dull I dull I have dull I have a dull I have a clip dull I have a clip from dull I have a clip from the dull I have a clip from the
world’s world’s most world’s most enthusiastic world’s most enthusiastic
finance finance reporter. How finance reporter. How much finance reporter. How much has finance reporter. How much has
it it come it come down to it come down to the it come down to the Fed it come down to the Fed weeks it come down to the Fed weeks
away from away from a away from a decision away from a decision there, away from a decision there,
Jackson Jackson Hole, still Jackson Hole, still on Jackson Hole, still on
timetable, timetable, if timetable, if they timetable, if they cut timetable, if they cut today, timetable, if they cut today,
again again a again a waste, again a waste, the again a waste, the dollar again a waste, the dollar would again a waste, the dollar would
weaken weaken anyway? weaken anyway? Yeah, weaken anyway? Yeah, I weaken anyway? Yeah, I think weaken anyway? Yeah, I think
they they want they want to they want to see they want to see how they want to see how the they want to see how the
markets markets react and markets react and whether markets react and whether the markets react and whether the
Aussie Aussie dollar Aussie dollar does Aussie dollar does fall Aussie dollar does fall
neeltion neeltion to neeltion to that. neeltion to that. If neeltion to that. If the neeltion to that. If the Aussie neeltion to that. If the Aussie
dollar dollar does dollar does a dollar does a loft dollar does a loft the dollar does a loft the work dollar does a loft the work
they they need they need to they need to do they need to do less. They they need to do less. They must they need to do less. They must
make mention make mention of make mention of its make mention of its weakening make mention of its weakening
still still further still further since the last still further since the last
meeting… meeting… If there If there is If there is one If there is one thing If there is one thing we If there is one thing we
learnt learnt last learnt last year, learnt last year, puns learnt last year, puns are learnt last year, puns are a learnt last year, puns are a
crucial part of crucial part of the crucial part of the news. There crucial part of the news. There
is is no is no pun. What is no pun. What do is no pun. What do you is no pun. What do you call is no pun. What do you call a is no pun. What do you call a
collective collective noun collective noun of collective noun of puns, a pun collective noun of puns, a pun
et? et? You et? You could et? You could have et? You could have thrown et? You could have thrown in et? You could have thrown in a et? You could have thrown in a
pun. I pun. I think pun. I think you pun. I think you christened pun. I think you christened me pun. I think you christened me
the the punisher. The the punisher. The next the punisher. The next
punisher punisher – punisher – our punisher – our first punisher – our first story punisher – our first story
concerns concerns the concerns the release concerns the release of concerns the release of toys concerns the release of toys
for for the for the news ‘Star for the news ‘Star Wars’ for the news ‘Star Wars’ movie. for the news ‘Star Wars’ movie.
Can Can you Can you guys Can you guys guess Can you guys guess the Can you guys guess the puns Can you guys guess the puns
used by the news? used by the news? If used by the news? If you used by the news? If you don’t used by the news? If you don’t
like like it like it you like it you can like it you can take like it you can take it like it you can take it to like it you can take it to the like it you can take it to the
return return of return of the return of the Jedi’s return of the Jedi’s desk. If return of the Jedi’s desk. If
there there is there is OB1 there is OB1 sale there is OB1 sale you there is OB1 sale you attend there is OB1 sale you attend
this this year… (Applause). Sorry, this year… (Applause). Sorry,
I I am I am your Father’s I am your Father’s Day I am your Father’s Day
present! (Applause). present! (Applause). Some present! (Applause). Some
people people spend people spend their people spend their entire people spend their entire life people spend their entire life
saberings on them. saberings on them. That’s saberings on them. That’s in saberings on them. That’s in
there. That’s not there. there. That’s not there. If there. That’s not there. If you there. That’s not there. If you
can’t afford can’t afford it, can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, you can can’t afford it, you can always can’t afford it, you can always
Lea-buy. (Applause). Lea-buy. (Applause). Let’s Lea-buy. (Applause). Let’s see Lea-buy. (Applause). Let’s see
what what the what the news what the news came what the news came up what the news came up
with. Rebels with with. Rebels with a with. Rebels with a cause.. with. Rebels with a cause..
some some came some came hands some came hands solo, some came hands solo, but some came hands solo, but all some came hands solo, but all
left with left with something left with something to left with something to
saber. If saber. If the saber. If the first saber. If the first three saber. If the first three
registers registers are registers are busy, registers are busy, the registers are busy, the next registers are busy, the next
step step is step is obvious step is obvious for Star step is obvious for Star Wars step is obvious for Star Wars
fans, fans, use fans, use the fans, use the Force…… Would fans, use the Force…… Would
that that have that have been that have been a that have been a sackable that have been a sackable
offence? offence? No, offence? No, that’s a offence? No, that’s a
promotion. promotion. All promotion. All right, promotion. All right, let’s promotion. All right, let’s go promotion. All right, let’s go
to to the to the next to the next one, to the next one, a to the next one, a story to the next one, a story about to the next one, a story about
Big Big Ben’s Big Ben’s clock being Big Ben’s clock being
inaccurate. inaccurate. What inaccurate. What puns inaccurate. What puns do inaccurate. What puns do you inaccurate. What puns do you
think think Melbourne’s Nine think Melbourne’s Nine News think Melbourne’s Nine News
made made about made about it. One made about it. One too made about it. One too many made about it. One too many
bongs bongs for bongs for Ben. It bongs for Ben. It was bongs for Ben. It was Thames bongs for Ben. It was Thames
porarily porarily out porarily out of porarily out of time… Surely porarily out of time… Surely
people people are ticked people are ticked off… That people are ticked off… That
is is one is one of is one of them. is one of them. Well is one of them. Well done, is one of them. Well done, yes. is one of them. Well done, yes.
That’s That’s one That’s one of That’s one of them. Time’s That’s one of them. Time’s up That’s one of them. Time’s up
for big stupid clock. for big stupid clock. Ding for big stupid clock. Ding dong for big stupid clock. Ding dong
ding ding wrong… Not ding wrong… Not bad. ding wrong… Not bad. You’re ding wrong… Not bad. You’re
the the only the only one that the only one that has the only one that has actually the only one that has actually
one one of one of the one of the ones. Clock one of the ones. Clock horror, one of the ones. Clock horror,
Big Big Ben Big Ben leaving Big Ben leaving out Big Ben leaving out of Big Ben leaving out of time, Big Ben leaving out of time,
leaving leaving clock leaving clock watchers leaving clock watchers much leaving clock watchers much
less less ticked less ticked off. You’re less ticked off. You’re a less ticked off. You’re a
pro. Well pro. Well done, pro. Well done, Ben. I’m pro. Well done, Ben. I’m really pro. Well done, Ben. I’m really
pissed pissed off pissed off I didn’t pissed off I didn’t have pissed off I didn’t have clock pissed off I didn’t have clock
horror. One big clock-up. horror. One big clock-up. horror. One big clock-up.
(Laughter). All (Laughter). All right, (Laughter). All right, let’s (Laughter). All right, let’s
go go to go to our go to our final go to our final story go to our final story tonight go to our final story tonight – go to our final story tonight –
Chris Chris the Chris the sheep, Chris the sheep, who Chris the sheep, who not Chris the sheep, who not only Chris the sheep, who not only
broke broke the broke the world broke the world record broke the world record for broke the world record for
woolliness, woolliness, but woolliness, but also woolliness, but also the woolliness, but also the record woolliness, but also the record
for for news for news puns. Oh, for news puns. Oh, NZ for news puns. Oh, NZ announce for news puns. Oh, NZ announce
s s winner s winner of s winner of top s winner of top model s winner of top model – s winner of top model – I s winner of top model – I
couldn’t couldn’t help couldn’t help it. (Laughter). couldn’t help it. (Laughter).
All’s All’s wool All’s wool that All’s wool that ends All’s wool that ends
wool. Was wool. Was it wool. Was it found wool. Was it found by wool. Was it found by
Immigration Immigration Minister Immigration Minister Peter Immigration Minister Peter
Mutton? Mutton? Who gives a flock. Mutton? Who gives a flock.
What What about What about when What about when he What about when he was What about when he was shawn What about when he was shawn
he he was he was given a he was given a new he was given a new fleece he was given a new fleece on he was given a new fleece on
life. Yes, that life. Yes, that is life. Yes, that is one of life. Yes, that is one of
them. (Applause). them. (Applause). These them. (Applause). These puns them. (Applause). These puns
are are really are really baaaaad… You’ve are really baaaaad… You’ve
missed missed most missed most of missed most of them. missed most of them. Let’s have missed most of them. Let’s have
a a look a look at a look at what a look at what the a look at what the news a look at what the news went a look at what the news went
with. Chris’s with. Chris’s rescuers with. Chris’s rescuers have with. Chris’s rescuers have no with. Chris’s rescuers have no
doubt doubt the doubt the fans doubt the fans will doubt the fans will start doubt the fans will start
flocking. He flocking. He was a flocking. He was a little bit flocking. He was a little bit
sheepish sheepish in sheepish in front of sheepish in front of the sheepish in front of the
cameras. The cameras. The new cameras. The new fleece cameras. The new fleece on cameras. The new fleece on
life. Now life. Now to life. Now to a life. Now to a customer who life. Now to a customer who is life. Now to a customer who is
happy happy to happy to be happy to be fleeced. The happy to be fleeced. The woolly happy to be fleeced. The woolly
mammoth mammoth who mammoth who was mammoth who was baaadly mammoth who was baaadly in mammoth who was baaadly in need mammoth who was baaadly in need
of of a of a hair of a hair cut. The of a hair cut. The real of a hair cut. The real winner of a hair cut. The real winner
tonight tonight is of tonight is of course Team tonight is of course Team
Australia! (Applause). Australia! (Applause). Thank Australia! (Applause). Thank
you very you very much you very much for you very much for watching. you very much for watching.
Join Join us Join us next Join us next week, Join us next week, we Join us next week, we have Join us next week, we have on Join us next week, we have on
the the show the show next the show next week the show next week Chris the show next week Chris Baaath the show next week Chris Baaath
coming coming on and coming on and Ewe coming on and Ewe Rimmington. coming on and Ewe Rimmington.
There There you There you go, There you go, see There you go, see you There you go, see you next There you go, see you next week There you go, see you next week
on on the ‘Media on the ‘Media Circus’! CHEERING on the ‘Media Circus’! CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE. AND APPLAUSE.

Dereck Turner

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